and when you try to describe it, it doesn’t make all that much sense— it’s like an irrational emotional tsunami?
Sometimes, when I attempt to put words to it, I sound almost incoherent and totally crazy—but the feeling remains.
I used to run from this, the wave of sadness or anger or whatever would show up and I’d root around a little trying to figure out what was going on, then I’d run as far away as I could– drink too much coffee, get jacked up, check out, spend money, eat too much, avoid being still, create a manic crazy swirl to distract me from the reality of how things felt.
This worked… for years. Decades.
Only when the craziness got bigger than me, only when I couldn’t out run it did I really begin to feel things.
and only when my breath was literally sucked away did I begin to search for new ways to breath.
I, of course, thought my experience was unique.
Initially, I thought I was experiencing an awareness that was awesome and I judged everyone else thinking they hadn’t done the “inner” work to really feel and understand themselves and this life to the extent I had.
I was better, more awake, deeper— these emotional storms hurt like hell but at least I was dealing with things, right?
Everyone else was just numbing themselves and not facing reality.
Then, on the flip side, I thought I was seriously fucked up.
When I couldn’t stop the waves and craziness I thought, oh man, I’m so deeply screwed up, I’m never going to be able to manage.
The yuk won’t go away, these feelings don’t subside, they just keep coming and yeah, I’m awake and trying to deal, but the people still asleep are actually the lucky ones—they don’t have to face all this crap.
After years of some hard core exploration, I began to identify the ingredients of these feels—the triggers that took me into the storm of sad, angry, lonely, left out emotional swirl.
It was almost never what I initially thought and almost never the situation at hand.
It was almost always something from long ago influencing my reaction and perception in the present moment.
I put a sincere effort and allot of time in trying to go back to sleep, bundling up all this new awareness and pushing it off a cliff to never be seen again.
Some days I still fantasize that I could just dial things back just a little.
But mostly I kept at it, kept identifying and searching and working on figuring out what was what.
I began to recognize when I’d have an emotional reaction it’s almost always not as I perceive it.
I began to notice patterns and things that trip me up. I even began to recognize areas that, while I couldn’t heal them, I could avoid putting myself in them.
I started recognizing where I could trust myself and how I was feeling and where I couldn’t.
Knowing when your crazy and what makes you crazy is so powerful. Knowing what makes you healthy and mindful is even more powerful.
Today, it’s common for me to fall down, fall into a tailspin and overreact, underreact, get hurt, get mad, get sad, feel left out, feel betrayed.
I thought these things would eventually go away, but that’s not been my experience— but it is different now. …
It shows up for a brief moment and then I seem to notice far sooner than before what’s actually going on…. I find a center point, I stand back up and stop reacting and quickly identify what’s influencing the moment and why.
The moment I recognize I’m off, that I’m not clear and not in the right state of mind, I’m already better.
I searched the world for answers and it turns out for me, the recognition was all I really needed to understand.
The rest reveals itself when I’m ready…
“Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.” ~ Bhante